White bar tape is faster!

They say white bar tape is so pro it will actually make you faster. It has the ability to make you pedal harder, breath deeper and smash out the power to the pedals like no other. Some have even said it has the power to prevent flat tires and cure cancer. If the pro's use it must make me faster right?

They say white bar tape will scare your opponents and cause women to stampede to your finish line celebration. It has also been rumored that you can use it to heal massive wounds when used as a dressing and terrorists self detonate at the pure sight of it.

Since using white bar tape my bike has lost 9 pounds and my Garmin shuts off in disgust and disbelief. My water bottles evaporate in minutes due to evaporation if the caps are left open and my sweat forms a contrail  of cloud like formations behind me.

I have witnessed the pure power of white bar tape on today's ride. Check out my max speed!

I am pretty positive it has nothing to do with my descending ability, nor the massive tail wind and lack of traffic on the road.

I attribute my personal (and probably lifetime) achieved maximum speed to white bar tape.

I am still trying to figure out how to harness the almighty white bar tapes power for climbing.